8 Ways to Stop People Pleasing
Today I want to talk to you about something that may be impacting your mental health without you even realizing it - being a people-pleaser. As a therapist, I often see many of my clients struggling with people-pleasing tendencies. It's a common challenge, especially for millennials who grew up with the age of social media and constant comparison. Now, let's dive into a question that you might be asking yourself: Am I a people pleaser?
What is a people pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who goes out of their way to please others, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. They often find it difficult to say no, even when they are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. They may feel guilty or anxious whenever they prioritize themselves. Many people-pleasers seek validation and approval from others in order to feel good about themselves.
So, how do you know if you're a people-pleaser?
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you often find yourself saying yes to things you don't really want to do?
Do you feel responsible for other people's happiness?
Do you have a hard time setting boundaries?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it's possible that you may lean towards people-pleasing tendencies.
It's important to remember that caring for others is a wonderful trait, in fact it might be something you genuinely admire about yourself. However, despite its outward appearance of caring for others, people-pleasing typically comes at the expense of your own well-being. If you recognize these behaviors in yourself, it's okay! It's a common pattern, especially among millennials who have grown up in a culture that values external validation.
Understanding and acknowledging this tendency is the first step toward making positive changes in your life. So, take some time to reflect on your own needs and boundaries and don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. You deserve to live a life that is authentic and true to your own needs and desires.
Difference between niceness and people-pleasing
Niceness and people-pleasing are often mistaken for the same thing, but it's important to understand the difference.
Being nice is about showing kindness and consideration towards others, while people-pleasing is the need to constantly seek approval and validation from others at the expense of your own needs and well-being.
Let me give you an example to illustrate the difference. Let's say you and a friend are making your usual Friday night dinner plans. You often drive out to a local Italian food spot that is close to your friend’s house. This time you want to try something new in your neighborhood. Expressing your interest in trying something new near you is being nice. However, if you agree to go to the usual Italian restaurant just because you want to avoid any conflict or disagreement, that's an example of people-pleasing.
In simple terms, being nice is about being considerate and kind, while people-pleasing is about sacrificing your own needs and desires in order to please others. It's important to recognize the difference because people-pleasing behavior can be harmful to your mental and emotional well-being.
Neglecting your own needs and desires to constantly meet the expectations of others may lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and a gradual loss of your sense of self. Over time, this can lead to burnout and decrease your overall quality of life.
8 ways to stop people-pleasing:
1. Set Boundaries
It's okay to say no and set limits on what you can and cannot do. Set boundaries at work and in life to prevent burnout.
2. Practice Self-Care
Prioritize self-care. It's not selfish to have some “me time” for a healthier life balance.
3. Identify Your Values
List your values and make decisions aligned with your authentic self, not just to please others.
4. Skip the Excuses
No need for a lengthy explanation. Be direct, say "no" confidently, and respect your time and energy.
5. Seek Support
Build a supportive circle. Surround yourself with those who respect your boundaries and your journey.
6. Start Small
Just like learning to ride a bike, start small. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. Reflect on where people-pleasing sneaks in and make gradual changes.
7. Give Yourself Time
Change is a journey, not a race. Celebrate small victories and be patient. You've got the time to unlearn people-pleasing habits that no longer serve you.
8. Help When You Want to Help
Say "yes" when you genuinely want to help. Find balance and ensure it feels good for everyone involved including YOU.
As we wrap up, remember that prioritizing your own well-being is a step towards living with more self-compassion. Setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and identifying your values are powerful steps towards living more authentically.
Try out these tips, and if you'd like to share more about your journey and connect to others who have had similar experiences, join our private Facebook group, The Authenticity Network.
